for my beloved granny, wherever you are

..i used to be with you...

after 16th october 1990,


that time,
i used to hug you tight every nite..
i used to kiss your both cheek every morning, before i went to school
i used to call your name when i was sick
i used to lay my head on your lovely chest when i was sad and cry
i used to sleep beside you
i used to hear your fresh breath every day
i used to see your sweet smile every time
i used to teach you how to write a your name
i used to teach you how to spell your name
i used to teach you how to recognize letter
i used to pray together with you, wished about something delightful...


that day,you used to sing such a beautiful song to me
you used to tell many wonderful stories to me
you used to bake me a delicious cakes
you used to give me great advices
you used to care me too much, but i loved it
you used to buy me ice cream, and then we ate together,
you used to defend me when my mom was angry with me
you used to bring me hang out and we used to ride pedicap around the city
you used to give me money to buy mint candies
you used to wear your kebaya and jarik...

that moment,
we used to sing together
we used to eat together
we used to sleep together
we used to pray together
we used to spend our whole time together
we used to laugh together
we used to talk each other
we used to be happy together
we used to enjoy our life together
we used to be together...

but why,
you used to get your illness alone???
why you should be alone???
why you should be alone???
why you should be alone???
why you left me alone???

and the facts,
now you were gone,and never come back
i used to leave you alone..
i used to let you dying..
i used to let you go....
i used to miss you, i missed you yesterday, i miss you everyday, im missing you badly now..

in your dying day,
i used to sleep without you,
i used to sleep with my flooding tears
i used to be alone,i used to pray alone,
"please stay!!!!" i begged with all my life
"dont go!!!" i begged to my God
"please stay, i promise i never let you dying alone"
"please dont go, i swear i will be a good girl for you"
"please..."
i used to be verry messy
i used to be verry sad
i used to be destroyed inside outside
don't go....please...

certain time,
at the noon,
at that hospital,
in that room,
on that bed,
you used to lay, waiting for the God decision..
you used to sleep, between being alive or die..
"stay... stay..." i hoped
"open your eyes...open..." i wished
slowly..u stopped breathing..
"no, thats not true!!"
i culdn't hear your last breath!!!

it was over,

you were gone,

without me,

the grave,
under that flower tree
sleep tight, granny,
sleep alone without me, grany,
sleep without nitemare again, grany,
sleep and never dont ever wake up, grany,
sleep in your cold cemetery, grany,
hope you just fine inside
hope you get enough warmth beyond
hope my prayer enough to accompany you, grany,
hope the angels guard you, grany,
sorry, i culdn't go with you
sorry, i cried too much
sorry, i culdnt hug you in your last time in this world
sorry, i culdnt give you a kiss before you go,
sorry, only prayers i culd send for you..
sorry for the mistakes i ever made..
sorry for made you worry too much..
sorry for crying so bad..
sorry for everything...

i hope you can hear me,
i dream about you often...
i still can remember all clearly, that day, you gone away...

rest in peace, september 22nd 2001
i used to be with you, for 12 years,